This morning, when I woke up, my first thought was, “2018 is trying to kill me.” Not only did my mother pass this year, but I have been dealing with emotional abandonment in many relationships. I do not want to summarize or give the number of people this has happened with, because it gets very depressing when I dig into it. Suffice it to say that it feels like my whole circle of family and friends has been uprooted. With the exception of three or four people (which is probably a good amount), I am not still on speaking terms with most of the people I was on those terms with last year at this time. Many of them have drifted away without providing a reason or a sense of closure, and I know I am no angel, because I have been the drifter in a few (but not all) relationships. In some relationships, there was an explosion of anger or sadness before the drifting occurred. In others, there was nothing – just drifting.
I have found that my everyday, seemingly smaller experiences mirror this. I just walked into work to buy a birthday present for a friend, and one of the girls I have been working with saw me but did not acknowledge me. I was prepared to nod and smile in her direction, but she did not make eye contact. I am not sure if she was purposely avoiding it or just didn’t give it any thought at all. This happened the other day as well with the same person, when I went in to work and was told she would guide me through the day’s task. She seemed busy when I approached, so I patiently stood back and waited for her to acknowledge me. It got to a point where I had been waiting several minutes, so I said a soft hello to her and tried to busy myself with something else while she finished what she was doing. She pretended not to hear me at first. Naturally, it made me wonder if there was something wrong with me or if she was annoyed by me, even if I could see no logical reason for her to be. I even got a little frustrated with myself for giving it so much thought, for being so bothered by it. Through my years of working, I have been trained to make eye contact with and acknowledge people when they approach me. I have been taught that not to do so is rude or indicates something wrong. Sometimes I forget that not everyone is coached on this. Sometimes a lack of eye contact or no hello doesn’t mean anything, as it meant nothing to me before I was told it was wrong.
I think normally I would not have been bothered by it, but maybe my experiences with others seeming to want nothing to do with me this year made me more sensitive to it. I have been listening to Abraham Hicks audios today about how, once you get yourself into alignment, others will reflect this to you. I am definitely not in alignment if I am worrying and wondering why everyone left me, or noticing that they left me. It makes sense that I am given smaller situations like this one at work to mirror to me my misalignment. Or, maybe I am just thinking too hard about everything! (It’s happened before.)
I know it sounds cliche, but the prevalence of people coming and going (mostly going) in my life has been pushing me more inward. Forcing me to validate and approve of myself. Forcing me to make my own decisions. Forcing me to be alone. And each of these things have proven beneficial for me, so I know it is all for a good reason.
When I find myself particularly bothered by someone’s behavior, I let myself be bothered. But now that I have no one to vent to, I find that I give it deeper thought. Why does it make sense that those feelings came up for me, and how can I better deal with them in the future? When you do have someone compassionate to talk to about these things, it can feel great, but it also may not encourage you to do your own thinking or self-soothing. This can put you into a vicious cycle of relying on others. “Neediness” is thought of as an undesirable trait, but for many of us, we simply know no other way. We are not trying to be needy or clingy; we just are, and we will be until we are broken out of it. Maybe, if we can think of those who “ghost” or abandon us as helping us break that cycle of neediness (whether it’s entirely true or not), it can help us to cope and understand what we need to do for ourselves. Anything that you feel at the mercy of others to be provided for you is something you are withholding from yourself.
Will it still hurt that they left, sometimes without a reason or a sense of closure? Of course. I think sometimes people prefer to distance themselves but leave the door open for potential future interactions. Sometimes people just don’t know what to say or what you want them to do. They’re probably dealing with their own issues and whatever you may have been mirroring for them. In those cases, I like to communicate with them from my soul, usually without words or actions. Just before I go to bed at night, for instance, sometimes I will send an “I love you” or “I hope good things are happening for you” to someone I don’t talk to anymore.
Abandonment is not something we think of as being positive, and I know from first-hand experience that it really sucks. But if you can use it as an opportunity to be very present and compassionate for yourself, it sucks a little less. Yesterday I was talking with my life coach about how, when you get yourself into alignment, you find that either your relationships shift positively or you don’t feel bothered by them anymore. My plan for the next few months (or for life, really) is to spend so much time and thought on my creations and what is going right for me that I don’t get stuck as much in loops of thoughts about what is going wrong, who left, etc. I deserve well-being and peace as much as the next person, and those need to be my priorities right now. Not other people, not relationships.
Maybe those relationships were removed from my life because of the impending leveling-up of my energy, and they were not suited to the leveling-up process. Maybe those people dearly wanted to help me but knew they were being more of a hindrance than a help by being consistently available. Maybe they were not annoyed by my “neediness,” but pained by it. Because they knew that only I contain the answers and the healing balm for my deepest wounds.
Truth is, I don’t know. I don’t really know anything except what feels good to my heart, and that is my truth.
So I am going to live that, one day at a time.