December is halfway finished, and so is my time working at the bookstore. I decided to make it a seasonal gig rather than an indefinite one. I have also been part-timing at my previous place of employment (which will be full-time again in January) on an as-needed basis, and the blessing in it was I realized ahead of time that I do not want two jobs. Am I capable of working two jobs? Of course, but then I would find my free time (aka creative time) a very scarce resource. That is not a sacrifice I am willing to make.
It has been an educational month and a half since I last posted. I have learned a lot about my rebellious streak, my trouble with the “old” way of authority. I think I touched upon this a little in my last post regarding my requested time off in December that didn’t go over so well. Some people believe if you’re not a boss, then you’re a subordinate. I am not one of those people. I think leaders are very helpful and necessary; they have a perspective that perhaps few others have and a talent for guiding others, but they can still be equals with everyone else. It’s my opinion that the very best leaders know this. Unfortunately, you may not find many such leaders in the retail industry (or generally). People love their titles and their power. They love feeling important – rather, they lust those things. They lose their sense of themselves and others in that lust.
What else? About five years ago, when I was just graduating from college and had no idea what to do with my English degree, my best friend at the time suggested that I work at the bookstore as an in-between thing, something to do while I figured out what else to do. I did apply at a store near me and received a request for an interview back then but ended up finding another, better-paying opportunity in Los Angeles around the same time. I have wondered ever since what might have happened, had Los Angeles never happened and I accepted the interview with the bookstore then – possibly more out of nostalgia than really believing there was something of substance to working there. I valued that friend a lot, and she had a lot of good ideas. I still lament that that relationship dissolved. I guess at least now I can say I followed that idea and desire to see what was at the end of the tunnel. I wouldn’t say it was for nothing. I’ve learned a lot about myself and have been given a perspective from which I can better appreciate my 9-5 work.
Lately, things have felt very bland. Colorless. Odorless. Tasteless. But I’ve been finding contentment and even joy in my time spent alone, heat turned up, Christmas lights on, a glass of wine and Game of Thrones on my television. (I bought the box set of DVDs for a lovely discounted price, one of the perks of this job that I will miss.) Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy something close to it.
Anyway, I hope this blog isn’t as bland as writing it feels. Sometimes there’s a goal, a desire, some way the past nudges you to explore more. Sometimes you follow through, and you feel emptier than when you started. I trust that the time was not wasted and know I’ve learned things that I wouldn’t have otherwise, and now the fire of curiosity is quenched – at least for now.