Holley Hyler

A r t i s t

Jealousy and Mirroring in Relationships

January 21, 2018
Holley

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Jealousy is something that has plagued me for most of my life, and as I was meditating last night, I decided I wanted to rid myself of this green-eyed monster. This is the level of understanding that I came to.

Jealousy occurs when someone else has something (or someone) we want. The desire usually boils down to attention, understanding, a good relationship, which can be further broken down into love. Love is our essence. It is something that can never be taken away from us. How can we lose that which we already are? Before you say, “I’ve heard that a thousand times,” and roll your eyes, let me go on to say that when I examined my jealousy, I realized I was getting caught up in the human story based on separation. This story was accompanied by unloving thoughts like, “I cannot believe I wasted my time on this person for so long.” (To explain all that is wrong with this idea would take another blog post, so I won’t go into it here. Suffice it to say, nothing is a waste of time. Nothing.)

When we become jealous, we are telling ourselves a story. The story usually goes that someone else has something that we do not have, because they are somehow better, and we should beat ourselves up for not being like them. If we were more like them, maybe we would have what we want by now. Furthermore, that other person is very happy with this thing they have that we don’t have, even if we don’t have proof of that and have never spoken to them once. Even if all we know about them is their name (or less than that), them having what we want is definitive proof that they are better and more deserving than us, and we should go crawl in a hole and die.

See how silly some thoughts become when they are observed? And just like that, they lose their power.

Spirit relayed to me the concept of mirroring in answer to my thought that this other person is better than me. We are all mirrors for one another, but different types. Have you ever noticed how different you look in mirrors at various places? I have looked at myself in dressing rooms, hotel rooms, and my own room, and I have seen many different versions of Holley. I tend to like myself best in the hotel room mirrors, because they make me look thin and even a bit taller. I bought my home mirror on the cheap from Walmart and sometimes feel like a troll when I look in it. People are like this, too. Some of them trigger us and show us our shadow selves – the anger, jealousy, inadequacy, abandonment, etc. Others show us the light. When someone tells you, “You are beautiful,” and they hold space for that, you see your light and find it easier to act in ways that show your light. If someone tells you, “You are worthless,” it will likely spark a reaction in you that will cause you to act in a way that reflects this idea to you and the other person.

People will not often come up to you and tell you these things in such a straightforward manner, but they will reveal how they feel about you with their energy. If their energy is not ideal for supporting the best version of you, then even if you hold the very best intentions toward this person, you will not see proof of this reflected by your interactions with them. If you still feel drawn to this person, perhaps it is a lesson in self-love for you. I have noticed my interest in interacting with him diminished as I perceived deeper levels of my value. The love I feel has not faded, but I want to be a better person, and it is extremely difficult for me to be that person with him.

This realization can hurt, and that is okay. It is only natural to miss what was when you have loved so deeply, even if “what was” was not so great. But you see, there is no need to be jealous about any situation. If you were supposed to be “better” with the one you love, then you would be, because they would be holding space for that energetically. Chances are, if they are not going to change, life is going to put someone in your path who is going to help you see your goodness. It is important to have an open heart when it does, and faith that the universe/God/Source is loving and wants only what is best for you.

When jealousy comes up, it is difficult to think rationally enough to remember these things. Within these words is an energetic transmission of deeper understanding that I know will stay with me and you.

In Love, Always,

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The Physical Realm and the Beloved

January 11, 2018
Holley

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Spirit woke me tonight, placing an important message on my heart that is to be shared with others. Sometimes, it does that – and so I am speaking to you as Holley, since I do not have the energy to channel at the moment, and also because I hold a perspective that found this message useful. This perspective will be helpful in relaying the message to you. It relates to love and its connection to the physical realm, how we express it, the longing we feel when we cannot bring that energy to physicality with our Beloved…

Put very simply, it is this: Sex is not love. Attention is not love. This message is specifically for those who seek love in these mediums but have repeatedly fallen short of finding it. This is also for those who look for their Beloved to love them in these ways, but feel any kind of lack from this seeking.

Sex and attention can be ways we express love, but they are not always, and I would venture to say that they often are not. Look at what you’re seeing in the news lately – sexual gestures have been used to express just about everything but love. We give our attention to this and all kinds of ugly things each day to rant about them and thereby perpetuate that energy. We give our attention to our loved ones, friends, coworkers, but we are not always doing so in a way that is present and kind. When I started to truly listen to some of the couples I know, I noticed that they often spoke to each other in demeaning ways that were masked as jokes. Just about every other remark was intended to “tell” or make small. Very little of it came from what felt like a true place of love. Many of us view this as normal, because we grew up with it. That was just “how things were.”

Going back to sex – even if we are or were in what we believe to be a loving relationship with someone, we are not honoring ourselves when we have sex just because our partner wants to or we worry about losing them or hurting their feelings if we do not. Many times, for me, sex has been an escape, a way of grasping at a relationship that was on its last limbs, or a way that I looked for something outside myself. I wanted to feel a certain way, or I wanted to get high, and I believed sex could help me achieve that. It never worked. I have held on to so much shame over the years, shame that I am finally releasing so that I can talk to you about this now. I was having sex for many reasons, but love was not among them, even when I was in a relationship.

There are so many of us – myself included – who may say that we no longer believe love needs to look a certain way, but feel as though something is “wrong” when we are unable to express love through physical intimacy or cannot access the attention of our Beloved at a given point in time. The way we love is changing, and if you are reading/resonating with this now, you are a pioneer of this new way. Let the old fall away. Do not buy into the idea that something is “wrong” with you because you are not in a relationship or not often physically with the one you love. If you are alone a great deal of the time, God is not punishing you, so please try to stop seeing it this way. (I find affirmations helpful for this – “God loves me, and I trust in His love.”) If something is not coming to fruition, it is either because it is still developing or there is something better intended for you.

Sometimes, a period of spiritual gestation can feel like a “no” when it isn’t. What feels like a “no” may be a “wait.” If it is time to move your attention to something or someone else (that someone being YOU), you can do so lovingly and without burning any bridges.

I will say it again, because it is so important: being alone for any length of time does not mean there is something wrong with you or that you are being punished. The ability to be alone takes exceptional mental and emotional fortitude. I have lived through two cross-country moves, one of which I did alone, and experienced crippling depression and suicidal thoughts as I did so. But would I take any of that back? No, because if I did, I would not be writing this now; I would not be on this healing path; I would not be learning the lessons my soul chose for me to learn. However, I did not understand that until recently, and much of the time, I did see it as God punishing me. I wondered what I had done wrong and wanted to undergo a past life regression to see what sins I must have committed in another lifetime to deserve this. But that’s not necessary – all that’s necessary is to tune into NOW and ask, “What am I learning from this?” Whatever comes through is what your soul chose to help you experience humanity at its fullest and to make you stronger and wiser.

If you are alone and learning to love from your heart rather than your ego, magic is intended for you. We’ve had to go through this heartache as part of shedding the ego and coming back to unconditional love – yes, coming back, because somewhere along the way, we forgot. But we did it once, so we can do it again.

If we are physically separate from our Beloved, we can always learn to energetically connect and lift our energy for better physical experiences with that person. Look for evidence of the truth that we are all ONE. If we yearn to make love with that person, but cannot, look for ways of channeling that energy into something that makes you feel good – be it art, healing, learning, service… or exploring your sexuality more in spiritual ways.

We could spend every day of our lives with a person and not truly love them. Many do, for many reasons, with fear chief among them. That is not to say your Beloved is choosing this, or wrong for not choosing you, or “unawakened.” There are many reasons that we do what we do as humans, and the best we can do is try to understand but face up to the fact that we know nothing.

The point I want you to take away is that your love is not any less “real” because there is no physical evidence of it, or you’re not in bed with that person, or seeing them every day or even every month or year.

I have spent much of my energy looking for confirmation of my love or wanting to see it returned in some way. Had it been returned, I would not have discovered my soul. I do not believe I am meant to always be alone, but for now, this is where I am and I trust it. The people I have loved and still do love are my muses, unlocking my soul’s truest words, cheering me on in spirit as I become the best version of myself. The people you love will do the same for you. You just have to let them – even when they aren’t doing what you want them to do, or what you think they should do.

Let the old fall away. Just like that.

I pray that you have found peace in my words and love you, always,

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War is Over … If You Want It

January 2, 2018
Holley

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Happy New Year, friends! Lately, God has been speaking to me through this Lennon & Yoko song. I found myself referencing it in a poem, and then it showed up on my social media feed several times in just a matter of days. Granted, this is a popular song around the holidays, but it has spoken to me particularly since I understood the power of choice. I’ve always thought it was interesting that the subtitle is “If You Want It.” Who wouldn’t want war to be over, after all? This was my naive manner of thinking when I first listened to Lennon’s solo material at the tender age of thirteen – now, as I am reading our President’s tweets about his “nuclear button,” I am seeing that, indeed, not everyone wants war to be over.

Some argue that everything is a choice, including emotions. I do not agree that we can choose our feelings, although we can choose the stories we tell ourselves that influence how we feel. In every moment, we have a choice between fear or love, peace or clamor. Some may not realize they have the power to choose, for they may have patterns of response so deeply ingrained that they feel at a loss to choose differently.

I saw two quotes, one right after the other, as I was on my Twitter feed today. One said, “This year, I hope you choose self-love instead of self-improvement.” The next was printed on a photo of Steve Harvey lifting weights, and it said, “Don’t stop when you’re tired. Stop when you’re done.” Seeing the two so close together further reinforced the power of choice. One does not need to be better than the other… but they are two completely different thoughts. I know many who would resonate more with the Steve Harvey one, and many would think that resonating more with one thing means that the one thing is “better than” the other.

It is human to see things in this way, as one truth being superior to another. I shake my head at most of the President’s tweets. I catch myself judging people – for instance, the neighbor who walked outside in her Mickey Mouse pajamas this afternoon. I judge myself, my own clothing choices, my food choices, and I even judge my judging. Judging is a choice, too. Sometimes we have to choose not to beat ourselves up for our choices. We can choose to be peaceful with ourselves, and then carry that out to others.

We can disagree with someone and remain peaceful. We can be heartbroken and remain peaceful. There have been times that feelings of loss or disconnect have been utterly gut-wrenching, and the times I chose to stare quietly off into the distance over attempting to control the events that led to the heartache, I felt much better about myself and the situation afterward.

There has been a war going on inside me for so long now. I felt like it was my job to make people love me, and if they didn’t love me, I felt that there must be something more I could do, or something that I must not have been doing. It finally clicked into place toward the end of December, after a powerful Reiki session, that it is not my job to make people love me. I can express what’s on my heart, but if it does not resonate with the other person, it does not have to mean that I was wrong to express it or that there is something unlovable about me.

War can be over, if you want it, too. We have choices every day about what we consume mentally and physically. Sometimes we will make choices that we’ll wish we had not made, and that is okay too. In any moment, no matter what you have done, you can choose peace. If you’re not choosing it now, you can choose it… now, or now… or now.

Peace, and happy new year.

Love,

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Loving the Broken

December 23, 2017
Holley

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A few weeks ago, I performed a full moon ritual. It involved pen and paper, flowers, and a vase filled with water. The idea was to write every month of this year as a header, and underneath each month, write lessons learned or feelings experienced in that month – without filtering, letting it all flow from the heart. At the bottom of the paper, I wrote ten things I was grateful for about myself. I then placed the flowers in the water, honoring each of the ten things about myself as I did so.

The flowers took much longer than usual to begin wilting. I attribute this to the loving energy I infused them and myself with during the ritual. Yesterday, I felt that it was time to get rid of the flowers, but it felt wrong to put them in the trash. The flowers symbolized parts of me that I wanted to honor, so I took them outside to find the perfect spot for them.

My first instinct was to scatter them around a tree I can see from my dining room window. I began to walk toward it, but saw a broken tree a few years behind me. My intuition told me that was perfect, so I placed the flowers in a circle around that tree, on top of the snow.

I do not know why, but this story feels significant.

This morning, I was thinking about the things that have hurt me in the past few years and trying to “figure them out.” This brought me little peace as my mind jumped from one theory to another. Seeking the answers behind the significance, seeking logic, muddles the beauty and causes me to search outside myself.

Yesterday, I did not question my intuition when it told me that it was time to get rid of the flowers, nor did I hesitate when I was guided to where to place them. I did not linger by the tree to lament the flowers or leaving them behind. I wish everything in life were that simple, that guided, that loving with a sense of non-attachment. But then perhaps we would lose the qualities that make us so beautifully human. Attachment has caused me to shed many tears, but it has also been the catalyst to my spiritual awakening, my drive to see the Oneness in all. It has motivated me to become a channel, to use my God-given wisdom in a heart-centered way. In many ways, attachment has been a gift, so I will honor it too.

I have heard many people say they are broken, often referring to heartache caused by a relationship. I admit to feeling broken, myself. However, this is not true; we can still honor our feelings of brokenness while acknowledging our wholeness is present even if we are not currently aware of it. I believe this is why my intuition guided me to the broken tree. There was something about being “broken” that needed to be loved. Not judged, not denied. Just loved.

I wish I had been able to take a photo of my handiwork yesterday, but it was freezing outside, and I was worried about the neighbors eyeing me from the windows and thinking me odd… an assessment that may not be far from the truth, but one I would prefer to avoid, nevertheless.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading my stories. I hope they serve you in some way.

Love,

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Core of Light (Transcending Ego)

November 27, 2017
Holley

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In this moment,
there is no one that I need to be.
All the people I have imagined myself to be,
can be as characters in a play, and nothing more.

These imagined personalities possess
their charms, their wits, their wounds,
but so do we all, such vast Beings are we,
traits alone cannot define us.

There is no talent or skill that I must possess
to be worthy of another’s – or my own – love.
It is true that I am the sum of all I have read,
listened to, and loved well, but those things do not name me.

So vast am I,
that I can adopt new traits,
new loves, new desires,
all in one instant.

Yet my essence, my
c o r e
which is l o v e,
remains the same.

My attachment to relationships,
material possessions,
ideas,
falls away, when I look at this

C O R E

O F

L I G H T

When you see it,
you will never be the same.

When you see it,

you will return to love

from whence you came.

Invisibility: The Inner Light, Stifled

September 17, 2017
Holley

When I say, “I feel invisible,” I am not throwing myself a pity party or lamenting that no one at a social gathering wants to talk to me, although this may have been true before my understanding and levels of perception evolved.

It was contrast that helped me to understand my true definition of invisibility.

Recently, I connected with some new people at Meetups about Ayurvedic practices or Reiki. When I connected with people at these events that I enjoyed, I felt heard. I felt seen. I felt excited to answer the questions they asked me because they were asking the right questions. I enjoyed asking them questions and hearing their answers because I was genuinely interested, not merely trying to be polite and play tennis in my conversation. It was so refreshing that I wanted to be in their presence for hours, which is different for me, since I tend to recharge and feel best when I am alone. Enjoying myself so much around them made me wonder if I would still be an introvert if I met people like them more often.

On the other hand, when I am with people that I don’t feel that heart connection with, the questions for me became more fact-based and less interesting: “What do you do for work?” “Are you married?” “Are you dating anyone?” “Do you have/want children?” “What do you think of (insert sports team, celebrity, or political view here)?” The energy of these conversations feels constricting, and sometimes, I feel as though I can’t breathe. This can happen with people I know through work, or even with family. I know that most of these people are well-meaning but may not understand how best to connect with me.

Through this contrast, I realized that people can look at you but see right through you. They don’t see you, your essence. They can talk to you, and with their words, elicit a version of you that isn’t really you, or one that is of your shadow. They can elicit a version of you who is insincere, and trying either to impress or give answers that will please them. This is what invisibility truly is, for me – when people can’t or don’t hold space for your inner light to shine, and when you don’t feel safe to express your truth, so you give people a version of yourself that isn’t quite true to feel accepted.

As I grew up spending time around people who didn’t speak to or listen to my heart, I lost bits of myself. My true self became less visible, not only to other people, but to myself. Perhaps I lost opportunities for soul connections as I put armor over myself and hid. I was afraid to express what I want because what I want seems so very different from what most people want and what is normal for one to do with one’s life. My children are my articles, stories, and poems, and my partner is my muse. I dream of a world where everyone tends to their own souls in a way that generates so much love, that hate and crime no longer exist. I see my job as helping the world achieve this in whatever ways I can, even if they are small and don’t seem far-reaching.

I am retrieving these lost pieces of myself and understanding what I want more each day, but it has not been without a great deal of pain – agony, even, at a sense of separation – and especially frustration at not often finding people who resonate with me. It took willpower to crawl out of my shell and interact more authentically with others, and to believe that there is still a purpose to my life. Rationally, I knew that the people at the Reiki and Ayurvedic meetings could be very like me, but the fear of disappointment loomed over me, a paralyzing ghost.

If I wanted to be seen and heard, I realized, I had to put myself out there. I had to act and not assume that divine timing would cause the right people and events to magically fall from the sky. I couldn’t wait for “some day” or when I finally became the most perfect and healed version of myself.

I know that there will continue to be troubles and puzzles that aid me in my self-development. Even the idea for article was spurred by an e-mail from a friend that upset me. As strange as it may sound, I wish I could thank him now for unwittingly bringing me to these aha moments from the momentary upset that I found, or perhaps projected onto his words.

The last aha moment that I have from my recent experiences is this: even if you don’t act in ways that are genuine around the people who frazzle your energy, you don’t have to lose yourself or feel bad for not remaining true to yourself in those moments. No one always says the right things or is perfect, and it’s not for us to make others understand us. Even if you express a desire that isn’t what your soul truly wants or you’re influenced by someone else’s energy in a moment, you’re still you. You still have you.

If remembering this is difficult for you, you may love the Orin meditations by Sanaya Roman. The ones that I have used start with calling your scattered energy back to yourself. If you are highly empathic, like me, and feel as though you have fragments scattered across various interactions with people, I would suggest these meditations and/or an energy clearing ritual. Avoid thinking of clearing as a chore or something to be done out of fear, because that can lessen your motivation to do it. I like to think of it as gathering my scattered energy, letting go of lower energies or things I don’t want, and calling on my Higher Self, but you can be intuitive and find what works for you.

Many times when I am stating the truth, it feels as though I am expressing the obvious or the concepts are too simple – but they are not simple. If you step out into the world – an office, a party, a family gathering – for just a few minutes, it can be so easy to forget Who You Really Are. Once we are conscious of this, it takes us to a brand new level, one where you realize that you always have You.

Mercury Retro & Conflicting Realities

September 4, 2017
Holley

MercuryRetrograde

We are in the final days of this Mercury retrograde season (whew!), and I have found myself getting my wires crossed with someone else multiple times throughout this cosmic event.

Don’t worry – this is not going to be another post reinforcing the idea that Mercury in retro has to be all doom and gloom. I tend to be more curious about astrological events nowadays, wondering how certain aspects could be possible or true in my life. One truth that has occurred to me is that I am always responding from the reality I am experiencing, and this reality does not always match another person’s.

Last week, I went to Starbucks because I had a free drink reward on my card. I assumed that the reward would automatically show for the cashier when she scanned my card. I had a $0 balance on it otherwise, and she asked me if I would like to reload or just pay. I said just pay; in my reality, the reward point had displayed on her screen and she was going to select that as my method of payment. Meanwhile, in her reality, it was not on her screen, so she was expecting me to pay for the drink using another method since I had told her not to reload the card. We were both at a standstill for a few moments before I realized that the card was probably not showing my reward point, and I informed her it was there.

I offer an everyday, yet specific example of our two different realities at play creating confusion for both of us! I had to get on the same page with what she was experiencing to understand that I needed to offer her the information.

I am an easygoing person, but you can imagine how this situation could have gotten out of hand if either of us were prone to quick annoyance. Sadly, these types of scenarios play out between people all the time and rapidly become displays of temper and misunderstanding.

Sometimes we are lucky enough to catch the misconception in its tracks, as I did, and adjust our understanding of reality to be on the same page with someone else, but we do not always become conscious of it before it derails our energy and intention.

For instance, imagine trying to talk to someone when they’ve had a bad day. Maybe this is a person you haven’t seen for a long time, but you previously set plans to meet for coffee. When they see you, they’re in a bad mood because of work, and they don’t seem happy to see you. Your reality becomes that this person no longer likes you, and you wonder what you did to deserve that. You become annoyed and say something in anger to them. Their experience of reality is that they’ve had a bad day and don’t feel very social, but they agree to meet with you because they don’t want to let you down. At some point in the meeting, they sense you’re upset but they don’t know why, and their reality becomes that you aren’t happy to see them or they said something wrong. Unless at least one of you gets to the truth, this could throw a wrench into the friendship for quite some time or even prevent you from talking anymore.

Although these situations occur all the time, Mercury retro is the perfect time to slow down and reconsider where we may not be on the same page as someone else and where our thinking has been faulty.

It is important to respond from the reality that we desire, but this is not easy (for lack of a better word) when we are surrounded by circumstances that are not pleasing. I used to be in the habit of reacting instead of responding, where I would get so caught up in the emotions of the moment that I did not consider the possibility of experiencing something more favorable in the future. Reacting has always caused me a great deal of regret, whereas responding empowers me.  When I respond, I am shaping my life; when I react, I am only acknowledging what already is and unwittingly bringing more of that upon myself. I like to remind myself that my reality is always subject to change, and this helps me to feel better when I am unhappy with what is.

Treat the people you love as if they are new, every day. Allow space for a continually changing human, because that is what we all are! Every day, we discover new desires and new intentions. Are you the same person that you were a year or even a month ago? Many of our problems come from not allowing others the space for their expansion. When we approach someone thinking that they are X when they have become Y, it doesn’t work. It creates yet another conflicting reality.

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