Holley Hyler

A r t i s t

What is Grief?

May 23, 2018
Holley

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The Atlanta airport is sprawling and busy. It is full of people, and some of them get out of your way if they see you running. For once, I do not have to run to make my connection. I stand at the window of my gate, staring at the black storm clouds that bring the night before its time. Off in the distance, I see a sheet of rain, a lightning storm. Everything is so disconnected. It is raining there, but not here. I can see the lightning, but I cannot hear thunder. Black clouds loom everywhere.

This is grief.

I wear my mother’s sapphire bracelet. It has been over a month, and it feels that way, too. I sleep while wearing the bracelet, and I dream that I am outside her house, peering into her kitchen window. She is sitting up, head lolled to her right side. She is gone. It is the scene that the policeman described in real life. I am seeing it for myself, but I cannot get into the house to get to her. People stand in the driveway, asking me for things. They are coworkers, friends, people I don’t even know. I bang my head against the pink brick beside the window until I bleed, screaming at them, “She is gone, can’t you see? Go away. Leave me alone.” But they won’t. I weep openly. I bleed from my head. They still do not leave, and they do not look at my pain.

This is grief, begging to be expressed. This is grief when you are giving too much of yourself away to people who do not deserve you.

I am brushing the tangles from my fine hair, hair that is like hers. It is knotted and damp after my shower. I flash back to the first time I tried to dye my hair at home. I could not get the color all the way through to my ends, which were halfway down my back. My hair became a tangled mess, more so than usual because of the hair dye. I grew frustrated, and hot tears poured down my cheeks. Then my mom was behind me, a comb in her hands. “Don’t cry, honey,” she said. In the present, I breathe as I do when a sob is imminent. I stop myself. I don’t cry, but the sadness bleeds into the rest of the day.

This is grief, when you have no time to feel it. This is grief when it feels too intimate to show anyone else.

I go out with family and drink too much beer. I decide to go swimming in the Gulf of Mexico at night. I purposely taste the salt water when I go underneath the gentle waves, baptizing myself. I can become new, I tell myself. I do not remember leaving the beach. I do not remember how I ended up in a bed.

This is grief, when it starts to drown you, inside and out. This is grief when you let go of your inhibitions and follow your impulses.

“Sometimes you look mad when you come in the door, and I don’t know what to say,” a coworker from my dream tells me in real life. I pause for a while, and then I say, “I’m not mad. I’m just unhappy.” I do not understand why I have to tell anyone this or why I have to comfort anyone when I am the one who needs comfort.

This is grief, when people see but do not understand. This is grief when people lean too much on you to be a light, to reassure, to love – things you are normally a natural at. But now, you just can’t. Everything hurts. Everything.

I scream in my dream. Dots of my blood line the pink brick next to the kitchen window. I cry in my sleep. And people – the fucking people – God, they won’t leave me alone.

She is gone. The fucking people bitch about their cars, their families, other people they want to fuck and play house with, the look on my face, and everything else under the sun that doesn’t matter now that she is gone.

And they won’t go away. They won’t go away, like she did, and I want them to.

I want them to go away.

This is grief.

Had I Known

April 15, 2018
Holley

Had I known

the last time I saw

you would truly

be the last,

I would have listened to you

a little longer,

hugged you

a little harder.

This is true,

but this knowing

would have stolen

from us, the gift of presence;

I would have been wondering

if I listened long

and well enough,

if I hugged you hard enough.

Engrossed in those questions,

I may not have observed you

well enough to remember

the way you smiled at me

before I got in the car to leave.

I may have missed the peace

in your eyes when I turned

and looked back at you,

that one last time.

And so it is better

that sometimes we

do not get to

say goodbye.

I felt you,

in the night.

Before you transitioned,

your tears became mine.

I am all right now

because I get to

remember

your smile.

I miss you and love you, Mom. Rest well.

Do not look at me to be the Light

April 13, 2018
Holley

Do not look at me to be the Light.
I am drowning in my own darkness today.
I know not how to help you;
I do not want to hold you.

Do not look at me to be the Light.
I am weary, and I do not want you
to inquire after my well-being only because
I am not acting in the usual way
that helps you to feel secure.

Do not expect me to be the Light
because I have been this for you
many times in the past, when you
needed a gentle soul to lean upon.

Do not expect me to be the Light,
for surely you will be disappointed
when I choose not to help you.
Surely you will think me selfish
when I need to tend my own gaping wound.

Do not take my Light for granted.
It does not belong to you.
You can borrow it for a time,
when I am willing.

Do not put my Light upon a pedestal,
for it comes from me, a human.
Humans make mistakes;
humans get hurt, bleed, cry, fly into rages.

Do not ask me if I am okay
when you know I am not,
and you do not wish to hear
the true answer.

I grow tired of telling
bold-faced
lies.

Do not express love toward me
if you are going to take it away
when I show my rawness,
my human side that does
not live up to your expectations.

Perhaps in making this demand,
I may never be loved again.

So be it.

So be it.

So be it.

sweeping up eggshells

March 12, 2018
Holley

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Source: Pixabay

Rejection
eats at me
until there is
nothing.

I’ve decided to
let there
be nothing;

nothing
cannot
be broken.

Then perhaps
the ones
I love
will not fear

shattering me
on accident,
becoming the

mirrors
by which
I reject myself.

How To Break an Artist’s Heart & How to Love One

February 16, 2018
Holley

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How to Break an Artist’s Heart

  1. Say nothing.
  2. Pay no attention to the small, meaningful gestures she makes with her life. Leave her in a state of wondering whether you hate everything about her or feel indifferently toward her.
  3. Don’t support her. Don’t buy magazines she’s published in. Don’t buy her paintings. Don’t even express interest in her columns or paintings, if you cannot buy them.
  4. Ask her about her day job. Ask her if she is married. Ask her if she has any kids. But do not ask her about her art.
  5. Say nothing.
  6. When she opens up to you with the honest feelings she normally only expresses with her paintbrush, or a poem, say something mechanical, with no feeling behind it. Say something like, “Good.” “I guess that’s for the best.” “I felt that way once.”
  7. Repeat Step #6 until she can confide in neither human nor canvas for a lengthy period of time.
  8. When she expresses an interest in collaborating with you, make a vague comment like, “It’ll work out some day,” and then forget about it.
  9. Let her fall in love with you. Reject her in a way that still leaves room for her admiration for you. Tell her that you love her; forget that you said it. Become her muse; reject her art by ignoring it all. When she tells you that she wrote something about you, say nothing.
  10. Say nothing.

The effects on this list are magnified x100 if you are family or extremely important to the artist. Effects on the artist may be extreme and include, but are not limited to: lying in the fetal position for several hours, needing multiple Reiki sessions, or passing out on the couch after drinking a whole bottle of Barefoot Pinot Noir and watching The Great Gatsby.

How to Love an Artist

  1. Be genuinely curious about her work.
  2. Ask questions without judging or assuming you know the answers.
  3. Show literally any emotion except indifference.
  4. Invite her to coffee or lunch when she expresses an interest in collaborating with you. Even if it doesn’t eventually work out, your interest will mean a lot.
  5. Let her give you things. Respect that you’re her muse, even if you do not feel the same, or cannot offer anything in return. Treat her heart as a jewel, because it is. She is immortalizing you in her art.
  6. Make her something with your art.
  7. Ask what her tattoo means.
  8. Show her a song that reminds you of her.
  9. Pay attention. This can come in phases or be regular in occurrence – frequency and quantity do not matter so much when your attention is given with care and enthusiasm.
  10. Understand that loving an artist is not that hard. Artists have a high threshold for rejection and pain. Do not call an artist “overly sensitive.”

Please note that the effects of even one or two people loving an artist nullify the effects of one hundred carrying out the steps listed under “How to Break an Artist’s Heart.”

Force of Nature

January 29, 2018
Holley

Some love comes in like a force of nature. You cannot hope to survive it, and you do not hope. You cling to what feels like stability until it is washed away, and you die with it. As you die, you think, with desperate longing, “If only I could have kissed him, once.” You think, “Does he care that I am washing away?” The wind whispers, It does not matter. But how can that be, when it seems to be the only thing that matters? What you think is hope keeps you breathing, though it is faint. Finally, you realize there is nowhere left to go, that hope was the shadow of need. Your heart is tired, and you long to drown. So you do.

Some love comes in like the gentle waves on the beach, before the moon is full. When you wake in the morning, you hear the waves lapping in the distance. You know where you are. As you glance out of the window, the sun kisses the water, planting the fire of passion in your heart. It is not a passion that cries out for release. It is curious; it is playful. It encourages you to see where your heart wants to take you next. You think, “I would like to kiss her.” The part of you that longed and needed has died. When you hold her hand, it is only a reminder that you can always go home. So you do.

© Holley Hyler | January 2018

Drunken Universe

January 17, 2018
Holley

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I do not know how to love halfway. You look at me, expecting the soft rays that rise lazily on your wall in the morning, the shadows revealing the birds at play outside your window. You look at me, finding only mid-summer’s unforgiving glare. “Get it out of my eyes!” you cry, and I try to move out of your way. We keep meeting as you scurry this way and that, searching for solace that does not blind you, the sweat dewing on your forehead and neck.

I do not know how to be sad. You look at me, thinking this will pass, so you crack a joke. I cackle with apparent glee, but it is dangerously close to turning to the wheeze of a sob before it peters out altogether. I smile, I laugh, and if I cannot do either of those things, I disappear. I become a ghost behind my smile. You look at my eyes, but you do not see them.

I do not know how to have sex. You look at me, thinking of my curves and porcelain skin, the freckles I have hidden from plain sight. You need not worry about blinding me, for you look at me with only the light left just before the sun sinks below the horizon. You think of other women, too. My curves could easily be theirs; when you are in the desert, thirsting, you do not think one drop of water tastes any more exquisite than another. That is what I am to you. I do not know how to do the thing you would do with me. I only know how to kiss, and be consumed.

I spend some nights crying at the parts where Gatsby realizes he loves Daisy and it changes the course of his life forever; the part where Maria realizes she cannot love halfway either and becomes a prostitute; the part where Daenerys smothers her Sun-and-Stars as she says, “When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” and I believe, when that happens, maybe I can love you without it eating me alive.

I do not know how to love halfway. It has been all that is wrong with me and all that is right with me. The universe has had its way with me, become drunk on my tears that turned to stars and pink nebulae. My love for you has turned to a shadow that became stuck in concrete in all the places I wrapped my arms around you. Long after I am gone, people will feel the shadows and wonder about them, but I will be hiding somewhere behind the moon, while the universe leans against me, reeking of absinthe and smacking my ass.

© Holley Hyler | January 2018

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